Reflections

Quiet Doubting Reflection

• By fannieb
• March 9, 2016
• No Comments

Yesterday I had the familiar feeling of “is this all there is?” At least twice a year I get this longing for there to be something more in my life that would make me feel more alive, like I wasn’t living a life that felt overly predictable. It occurs usually on days that are out of this world gorgeous, when nothing is really wrong and I have no “real” issues or concerns, yet there is an underlying discomfort at the thought that spending the rest of my life in this manner would be decidedly miserable.

Usually when I feel this way it seems like I’m treading water, as if I’m going nowhere and I’m getting weary. My goals, hopes, and dreams are still with me but I’m only marking time, rather than marching onward, on my journey to get to them. I’ve accomplished quite a bit before I have one of these lulls and then things come to what seems like a standstill. I’m not seeing the synergies or the synchronicites in life. I’m not feeling like I’m making progress, yet this isn’t really what bothers me; it’s the ordinary nature of my existence that haunts me.

During these times I get a sense that God is doing things in the background that I am not privy to but that will help me reach my dreams and fulfill his desire for me and my life in His grand scheme. But because I’m not seeing His inner workings, this idea gives me little protection from the maddening thought of, “is this all there is?”

Times like these come and they go. I eventually break out of the funk and feel lighter and happier about life and my role in it. I once again accomplish things that I feel satisfied with, happy about. I see the pattern: a cycle of quiet doubting reflection that gives way to movement in the direction of something bigger, followed by the accomplishment and satisfaction that result from my efforts, a satisfaction that then melts into normalcy and back to quiet doubting reflection. And it makes me wonder if this is an endless loop that never culminates into lasting peace and contentedness at what my life amounts to. How can I break this cycle or at least the part where I’m feeling disappointed and bored? How can I live in that place of perpetual gratitude and awe for what is, regardless of where I find myself in this cycle?

Photo Credit: Vladimir Pustovit