Reflections

Grist for the Mill

• By fannieb
• October 19, 2014
• No Comments

As I grapple with who and what I want to become during this next phase of my life, I’m challenged with having a desire to achieve great things while remaining content with my current lot so as not to roil my rising energy with the sediment of needing to get or accomplish in order to feel like I’m enough.

This has been plaguing me in two areas recently-in my day job and in my writing. In my career I find myself trying to be content as a middle manager with no direct reports and no official leadership title. And, I’ve rationalized that this is fine because managing people is a pain in the ass and being at a level where upper management has direct line of sight to you is too stressful.

So here I sit. The work is fine on some days, but on others I keep hearing myself saying “lead, follow, or get out of the way!” I find myself having strong opinions that usually don’t get considered (heard) despite my emphatic proposals. I believe this is due in large part because I don’t have a title and others with titles (or at least with bigger egos) think they know better. So I sit and bite my tongue, stew, and hope that the things that gets implemented and that I’m associated with, are not blamed on me.

Balancing drive with contentment has also confounded me in my writing goals. One month ago I finally got the idea for my book. I even wrote down my goals and objectives for completing a rough draft over the next three months. I began checking things off my list until I hit a wall. Writer’s block is what it’s called. I had a focus for my writing and the idea that I was actually working toward, a first version of a finished product stopped me in my tracks. The deadline for completing my third objective loomed and stalled my engine. I got discouraged. I felt an anxiety around having to do this well in order to matter. Anxiety I hadn’t felt in over 10 months. I felt pressure, self-imposed, but pressure nonetheless.

So how do I regulate my contentment and internal peace with my desire to grow and continue to evolve without adding stress and doubt? Doubt arising from wanting and needing to be good enough and accepted? How do I write with focused intent but without taking myself too seriously? What is the solution to achieving without striving? Hell, isn’t this the subject of the book I set out to write? Is my current dilemma grist for the mill?

Photo Credit: ep_jhu