Reflections

Evolution

• By fannieb
• June 6, 2015
• No Comments

At the beginning of the fall semester of my junior year in college there was an incoming freshman who struck me as being very poised; so much so, that almost 30 years later I remember her.  Although her name has escaped me, her presence and aura hasn’t.

As I continue my journey into self-acceptance I compare my 48 year old self to this 18 year old girl (I’ll call her Maura) and wonder if her composure was made up of the bits of calmness, knowing, and awareness that I have started to feel recently or, if her confidence was in some way contrived, like faking it till you make it. It’s really hard for me to know for sure because back then I was so concerned with myself and how I came across to others  that I was oblivious to so many things, like other people’s energy and their body language .

What I remember about Maura was that she had arrived in Massachusetts, 5,000 miles away from her home in Hawaii, all alone! She was charismatic while being cool as a cucumber as she checked in to her dorm for the first time. The scent of the brightly colored flowers she wore around her neck wafted in ahead of her as if to announce her presence and she seemed to simply glide across the floor to the registration desk that was set up in the lobby. I was amazed that she wasn’t blubbering, after all she was so far away from her home and her family. She wasn’t nervous when she told me her name and her presence had the effect of making me feel more at ease.  I remember envying her equanimity, wishing that undertaking new things could be as easy for me as they appeared to be for her.

What I don’t know was Maura’s background, the circumstances of her life to that point, that had brought her into such a state of ease with herself and among complete strangers. I know the things I have lived through and the strength and resilience that are byproducts of my trials. These life lessons have resulted in my profound understanding of what really matters. A knowing formed out of experiences I would have rather done without – being laid off for a fourth time, marrying and subsequently divorcing, and the death of my dad and my mom only three years apart. But these life experiences have made me stronger in large part because I try to be open to their unfolding as much as possible. I try to not resist the circumstance and if I find myself resisting, I catch myself and then stop. This has been particularly true of life that has happened to me over the last five years. There was a definite shift in my awareness and attitude to the unwanted events in my life. And at that point of shifting I noticed a rapid increase in my composure and ability to handle disruptive, unplanned, or undesirable events.  Now when I respond to an unexpected question I am oftentimes surprised by the words that come out of my mouth and how confidently they are spoken. And I think to myself, Did  I just say that? Wow, that sounded like I really know what I am talking about!

There is an Eastern proverb that says, “Experience is a comb which nature gives to man when he is bald.” I feel like I am this balding man and despite my age and increasing frank manner, the wisdom reflected through me is a powerful beacon of light for others to take notice of, to wonder about, and perhaps be the impetus for changing at least one thing in an attempt to live life with less struggle and more ease, as Maura unknowingly did for me.

Photo Credit: Martin Labar