Reflections

Coal Raking

• By fannieb
• July 13, 2014
• No Comments

I don’t remember when I started raking myself over the coals for not getting things right. Tom Brown, my first boyfriend, was the one who pointed this out to me and who coined the phrase ‘rake yourself over the coals” when I did this. It could be the smallest thing that I hadn’t done right – like realizing I should have responded to a wisecrack differently with a smarter comeback. Really small stuff.

One day his sister, Ruby, also pointed this out to me. She told me not to blame her for something that was truly not her fault. In an effort to be right or not be wrong I had a tendency to blame others. I was in 11^th grade and this observation made me feel sick. I’d been found out. Someone else had spotted my imperfection. How could she tell?

Now, 30 years later I still have a need to do things right, to be perfect, to be accepted. At work I find it hard to be given such lack of direction. Everyone is so busy they don’t have time to give me even the slightest guidance. And without guidance how can I do a good job? How can I perform well or at a minimum simply meet expectations?

I know that perfectionism is an unrealistic goal. I know that needing things to be a certain way is a recipe for unhappiness and still this compulsion is there right under the surface even as I try to convince myself going with the flow isn’t bad at all.

So, with great effort, I catch myself worrying about not doing a good enough job and then tell myself I’ll be fine. Then I catch myself concerned that I might get fired again and then tell myself I’m overreacting. And then catch myself again not being perfect and hope that I’ll still be accepted anyway.

I don’t rake myself over the coals much anymore. I’ve changed my “I should have done this” thinking to “what if” thinking. That’s progress, right?

Photo Credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/casamatita/