Reflections

Something’s Gotta Give

• By fannieb
• September 19, 2015
• No Comments

I don’t know how much longer I’m going to be able to manage at work. There has to be some sort of return for the hours I spend there And yes, there is the salary I earn, but in terms of personal fulfillment there doesn’t seem to be much. There is some occasionally however, in the galley, restroom, and hallways when I’m connecting with coworkers but this feels very secondary or even tertiary to what I do most of my work day.

The problem I’m experiencing is in the pervasive deadness that abounds there. The constant monotonous booming droning of the angry New Yorker on the other side of my cube wall, the insistence on project team members to be uncooperative and non-communicative despite all efforts by the project manager to gain buy-in and foster communication, and the lack of attention that management pays to facilities all converge to create an environment that is uninspiring and toxic and which challenges me to stay present, centered, sane. After a while it can feel quite maddening, really. But I continue on. Two weeks ago an event at work caused me to rethink my one year plan to become fully self-employed. Now the stretch goal is six months and conditions here at work are keeping me motivated on the one hand, but demotivating on the other. I’m a top performer and want to do top-notch work, but there comes a point where I can’t make myself care more (at least it feels this way) than just about every person I’m working with. Not caring and being a top performer don’t jive and at some point soon I’m going to have to do something differently.

Six months, even 12 months really isn’t a long time to work toward my dream to be fully self-employed but when a huge chunk of your day has you bound to a desk at a work computer in a depressing environment, it feels like it is.

As I listened to the chanting of the Benedictine Monks through my noise canceling earphones to help drown out the obnoxiously unconscious diatribe of my cube neighbor, I raised my eyes to the heavens and listened deeply as I prayed along, Kyrie elésion-Lord have mercy.

Photo Credit: Roy Blumenthal