Reflections

Leaning into Limbo

• By fannieb
• May 15, 2015
• No Comments

Celeste was living in the “in between” – neither of her feet firmly planted in her past nor her future and yet she embraced this limbo as unsteady as it made her feel. Only three months earlier she complained about this very same condition, wanting to get her future going and feeling like she was just marking time. But since then one big development occurred in her life without any effort on her part that made her reassess her understanding of the world. And she realized that good things happen sometimes without a lot of pushing to force them into existence. Sometimes watchful waiting is the key.

It was a Friday and so she awoke and started her day peevishly. While everyone at work chirped “happy Friday” to her, underneath her pleasant “good morning” was irritation and dread. She, at one time, had felt the same way others do about Friday’s until she realized that unexpected and unpleasant things happen on Fridays too.

Her mother was diagnosed with lung cancer on a Friday and her best friend’s mother died on a Friday. These were by far the worst two things any Friday she’d seen had brought her way. There were other, more mundane yet disturbing events that took place during her Fridays. For example, only two months in to her brand-new job at her brand-new company she was chewed out over email by Angela, a bully director, who was controlling and squirrelly at the same time. Celeste was flabbergasted after reading it. Not in all of her 22 years of professional work experience had she been accused of being overly aggressive. Having a good character and work reputation were things that Celeste aspired to develop and grow at work and Angela threatened to soil her name before she had a chance to make one at her new job.

The offending email read, “Celeste, I have had several complaints and concerns regarding you directly contacting frontline  associates. This has caused turmoil. I find is not acceptable. Stop immediately. Sincerely, Angela”. The fact that Celeste received this email on a Friday meant she’d had to stew over it all weekend long until she could address it with her manager, Corey, who had been out that Friday.

Fridays also were the days she had her one on ones with Corey, a man she disliked no matter how hard she tried not to. There was something so condescending and disrespectfully dismissive about him and his actions that Celeste’s best efforts to “like him” even on a professional level failed. And so every Friday she felt it necessary to prepare for combat, to muster up every ounce of patience in order to bite her tongue when he would look at her from behind his desk over the top of his glasses and say something like, “I think you’re overreacting. No need to escalate this issue yet”.  The whole time he spoke he wore an inappropriate Cheshire cat grin which was usually plastered on his face even when Celeste’s demeanor was anything but lighthearted.

Her reaction to him was so strong that her heart would beat like it was going to jump out of her chest and sometimes she even started shaking. She was not sure exactly what he triggered in her, but she thought it had to do with the initial semblance of respect for her and what she could bring to the organization he had shown during her interview with him and then his subsequent total disregard for her experience and skill set after she’d been hired and started working for him. She often asked herself, If he has all the answers, then why did he hire me in the first place?

But that Friday in April floored Celeste. As normal, she took several deep breaths as she slogged to his office for her one on one. She was particularly anxious for this meeting because she needed to solidify her goals for that year – something she had taken seriously her first year on the job not realizing that Corey could not have cared less – thinking about and planning for the development of his employees was beneath him. So for her second year Celeste had started to create her own goals, based on his appraisal of her from the prior year. But there were missing pieces in two key areas and she just needed something to put down that he agreed on, though she wasn’t planning on going the extra mile to achieve them. This year this was merely a check-the-box exercise for Celeste too.

As she seated herself in the chair opposite his desk he got up and walked to close the door, something he never did during normal one on ones. Celeste started to get a little concerned – had she done something wrong? She quickly scanned her mind for what she might have done or failed to do that would call for a closed door conversation. As he re-took his seat Celeste was satisfied by her brief analysis that she had done nothing wrong and began the unpleasant task of getting feedback from Corey on what her goals should be. But she didn’t get very far when he interrupted her and said, “Perhaps you should wait until next week to do this.” Celeste, squinting her eyes, thought, That’s not possible. Corey is scheduled to be out of the office next week, and my goals are due next Friday.

“The announcement will be made next week, but I want to tell you today since I will not be here then. You have to promise not to say anything until after the official announcement is made though.”

Celeste nodded anxiously in anticipation and said, “Okay.”

“A company-wide reorganization will take effect in the next couple of weeks and…unfortunately, you will no longer be reporting to me. Since Sherry has a team of operations specialists, you’ll be reporting to her.” Corey sighed audibly and then continued, “So I think waiting to talk to her about your goals is probably the best thing to do.”

Celeste was stunned and ecstatic at the same time, but she had to contain herself and not show her utter delight. Inside she was doing back flips, on the outside she was calm, even reserved as she spoke, “Yeah, you’re right. That only makes sense.”

In response to his, “What are your thoughts about this change?” She was able to show restraint and amazing tact and said as she smiled, “At least I still have a job.”

It was clear to Celeste that he was truly disappointed in this change, but not because of a good working relationship that they had forged over 18 brutal months. No, Celeste chalked it up to his inability to continue to claim her as his find. He was playing a game of chess and he had just lost his queen.

As she left his office she was walking on air, unable to concentrate as if what she had been told could only have been a dream. And she couldn’t even share the news she was bursting at the seams about. She felt as if she’d just been proven innocent of a crime for which she had been sitting on death row.

This unexpected organizational change was what allowed her to accept more easily the seeming nothingness pervading her life – no new people to date, no new job offers, no new trips on the horizon-just the day in and day out of a 40 something, divorced, black woman. Celeste did have her dreams. And she was working toward them but in a way that was far less plodding and tactical than she used to. A little over a year earlier she had stopped pushing for and grasping at what she wanted, what she thought would make her happy. That was when she started to notice that this striving generated more stress than her eventual accomplishments seemed to be worth. And this gift from the heavens, in the form of a corporate reorg, made her know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that as long as she was applying herself and growing, that unseen activity was unfolding, aligning and synchronizing in preparation for her next stage. Believing this allowed Celeste to lean in to her limbo.

Photo Credit: Jamie McCaffrey