Reflections

Limbo

• By fannieb
• March 7, 2015
• No Comments

Waiting to start living again – that’s what I feel like I’m doing.

But I am doing things. I’m preparing for the next leg of my journey. I’m dreaming – building my future in my mind first and planning to make those dreams reality. I’m teaching myself a new language. I’m saving money. I’m staying in shape. I’m accepting my current circumstance in order to grow spiritually. I’m being patient, well, sometimes. And though I’m doing all of these things it still feels like I’m standing still and simply waiting.

I know everything must align for me to actually begin the next phase of my life and that takes time – time for me to become prepared enough to be successful with minimal stress. And time for others whose paths I will cross to be prepared to receive, accept, and help me there. Everything is connected and things are just getting set up for me to make my big move. And so I must be patient. I must know in God’s time, not mine. And, I must continue my preparations in spite of the weariness that sometimes accompanies it. Preparing for something that has no clear outward signs makes me question whether I’m really preparing for anything at all. I’m preparing for the dreams I’ve imagined in my mind – at first vaguely, and now with much greater detail and energy. And though these dreams are alive (they are constant in the background of my thoughts) they are still only thoughts, intangible and imaginary. So this prep time is wait time for me, a limbo where I’m susceptible to doubts that have the potential to derail my dreams from materializing.

So in these times I write. And I think about the end of life and wonder if that is the dream I should be dreaming instead of dreaming of running off to another country. And then I write some more to occupy my mind and to erase these doubts and to feel like I’m doing something other than just waiting.

Photo credit: Col Ford and Natasha de Vere