Reflections

DONE!

• By fannieb
• December 20, 2014
• No Comments

I’m done! I keep telling myself this. But, for whatever reason I find myself hesitating to apply for a different job within my company. When I started there a year ago I had doubts about whether it was the right fit for me because I didn’t like the arrogance Corey, my boss, had displayed during my initial interview. But I was unemployed and was encouraged by Frank, the president of the division, with whom I had my second interview. He seemed levelheaded, confident, but not arrogant, and had a commanding presence. My unemployment insurance benefits would be ending in only three weeks and, I rationalized that if Frank was my boss’s boss and was running the show, things could only be but so bad and I accepted the position.

After only my second month there however, I was treated very rudely by my bosses peer. I told Corey what had happened and he was not pleased with the disrespect I’d been shown, but did nothing about it. I had followed his instructions and reached out to someone else’s team in order to get some information for a process that was integral to a project Corey was working on. The director of that area was very territorial and sent me a curt email telling me to back off. It was threatening and as I read it I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Why was I being subjected to this when all I was doing was trying to help, follow orders, and simply do a good job? Why was I not even being afforded the usual honeymoon period at this new job?

At my six-month mark the voice in my head railed, I’m done! It had become crystal clear to me why working for my boss was not going to be a long-term proposition. Corey expected me to read his mind and act accordingly and when I couldn’t he got upset and expressed his disappointment with my work. I realized then he was a piss poor communicator who sought to window dress in order to look good, rather than to do the work required to actually be good. His title and advanced degree had allowed him to get by in life this way and he never required more of himself even as he grew older. He grew older, but his thinking never matured. I’m done, the voice in my head repeated.

So I logged onto my work computer on a Saturday morning to find out how long I had to endure working for a person who shirked his responsibilities and who I no longer respected. Corey was someone who did just enough to stave off a problem temporarily never really addressing it until it became a bigger problem later for me to firefight. This was my untenable situation. A situation that I found out I had to live with for at least another six months. Because I am of the belief that work and life aren’t meant to be stressful, difficult, and unsettling (all the things that work was becoming) staying in this position long term would not be an option. But, I put my head down and did my job, a good job at that, and found ways to work in peace in the chaos created by Corey and others in my division. I began to anticipate what would be needed and prepared for the demand that would inevitably come to me at the last possible moment. I continued to take exercise breaks daily. I did things outside of work that challenged me so that my mind would not become dull from disuse. And, surprisingly, my six months passed quickly.

So then why is it that I find myself feeling obligated to a boss and an organization where if I stay will ruin the peace I’ve created for myself? Why do I hesitate to pull the trigger and simply submit my resume, which I’ve already updated, to any of the several suitable jobs I’ve located within the larger organization?

Is it that I’ve made a name for myself there and I feel highly regarded and don’t want to have to prove myself over again after only 12 months? Is it that I’m not sure the work environment that I’m seeking exists at my current workplace and so am afraid to jump from the frying pan into the fire? Is it that I don’t want to let down my boss and the president who have come to depend on me and have personally told me how valuable I am to their division?

Yes. Yes. And, yes. These are all my reasons. And I think there is yet another one – I don’t want to show my hand and then be retaliated against if Corey and Frank find out I’m looking and I’m unsuccessful at jumping ship.

But, I must realize that at the end of the day I have to do what is right for me. I can’t stay just so others won’t be upset or offended. I’ve worked hard to acquire the skills and work ethic I have and if after a year my current boss and division haven’t stepped up to meet my needs, it’s time to explore other opportunities. I won’t know what is possible until I take that first scary step.

Photo Credit: Farabi Mahmud