Reflections

Utter Disappointment

• By fannieb
• July 31, 2014
• No Comments

In the summer of 1976 I walked dazed through Central Park in New York City. A black man dressed in blue jeans, a T-shirt, and Converse sneakers reached out and grabbed my arm gently. I was nine years old and still very trusting so I slowed down to see what he wanted. My dad quickly took me by my other arm leading me away from this oddly friendly man who had whispered in my ear, “Want some dope?” Caught up in my own thoughts I had not understood what he was asking. When I paused to figure it out, Daddy came to my rescue.

The way I was feeling that day – glum, uninspired, extremely disappointed with life – was the way I’ve been feeling for the last two weeks. My expressionless face and lack of emotion today would have alerted any drug dealer that I needed something to ease my despair. Something to either numb me more to the utter dullness of the people I work with or to boost my spirits so that I would become oblivious to the mindlessness of the bullshit I face.

Extreme disappointment, now and then. Then, my disappointment in life centered around the increasing unease between my mom and dad and between my dad and my brother. While I was not quite aware of the exact nature of the trouble then, I could sense life at home was changing. Mommy tiptoed around, trying not to rock the boat – caught in the middle of loving her husband or loving her son. In the end she picked her son (which was the right choice) but it catapulted me further into melancholy. We left my father, and the only place I’d called home.

Now my disappointment stems from feeling that I’m wasting away, wasting my talents working for and with people who have no vision, who choose to work harder not smarter, and who are still caught up in building their egos and careers. Some of the people I work with fit one, two, or maybe all three of these categories. And while I “get” that everyone is at a different point in their life and journey, the interactions I have to deal with day in and day out are maddening. My emotions turn off and all I can feel is disappointment. I’m underwhelmed in this morass of idiocy and I feel like I’m drowning in it.

Did I have to live this many years to end up feeling the way I felt that summer day 35 years ago?

Photo Credit: Daniel Stark https://www.flickr.com/photos/web-stark/12585515735/