Reflections

Loneliness

• By fannieb
• February 28, 2016
• No Comments

When will I not feel so lonely?

Last night I ate after 8 PM, again, mostly to quell feelings of being alone. I know this is my trigger, I can hear myself thinking you want to eat to feel less empty, and then I watch myself go to the kitchen (against my better judgment) and snack anyway.

This is a feeling of being out of control. Needing to soothe myself, I go for the bag of pretzels. I can hear mommy’s voice saying, “don’t go to bed hungry”. This piece of advice she got from her mother who, I imagine, had no choice other than to go to bed hungry because she just didn’t have enough not to.

So in the morning hours when I awake feeling a tinge of regret, I ask myself this question: When will I not feel so lonely? When will I be in a relationship that truly satisfies my need to feel connected, loved, and cared for? And then, I turn to questions of how. How can I meet people who will help me fill this void in me? How can I attract them?

I remember telling my coach that I had a sense that I would find my soul mate in France. At the time I felt this wholeheartedly. But, after being brought to the realization of how limiting this idea was I challenged this belief and became more open to the possibility that I might find someone over here, in the United States, who wants a French adventure too. This opened the door and I got asked out on a date after four years of not having been. I said yes and started dating him. But I still feel lonely.

Perhaps it’s time to challenge another belief – the belief that only this one man finds me attractive enough to ask me out. There are other eligible men who are healthy, financially sound, emotionally available, attractive, attentive, compassionate, unselfish, and who have a dream and a purpose that find me attractive and who will readily ask me out. This is my new belief.

While I do enjoy spending time alone, I would like to spend some of the time I have to myself with someone who makes me really happy.

Photo Credit: Vinoth Chandar