Reflections

Who am I?

• By fannieb
• January 4, 2016
• No Comments

Who am I? My new friend keeps asking me this and sometimes I think it’s a rhetorical question needing no response, and at others I think he really wants an answer to this question from me. I woke up this morning with a bit of clarity around this question and our relationship.

Who am I? Am I this person who is truly sensitive, loving, and nonjudgmental that he sees? And what is it that I want out of my life and in a romantic relationship? This weekend was a powerful one for me as I spent a lot of time with someone who I feel a deep connection with and who “gets me” and who I “get” too. I found myself thinking that we could possibly share a life together, maybe we could move to France together. The weekend was marvelous in that we connected in some really deep and emotional ways. But it also made some things less clear for me.

My inexperience in relationships over the last several years and my desire for connection – both physical and emotional – left me with a guard that was lowered. This, in some ways added to the intensity of our weekend, but if I’m not careful it could also lead to the clouding of my judgment  and to my making sub optimal decisions at a time when I thought I’d figured out who I am, what I want from life, and where I’m headed.

So, who am I and what do I really want? Yes, I am that  truly loving, caring, non-superficial person he sees. And I am truly loving and caring not only for and about others, but about and for myself too. Yesterday I read my piece about waking up alone to him. In reading it aloud, I suddenly realized that what I want is a new best friend who knows who he is and lives there completely and who I can bare my soul to, be vulnerable with, and share this wonderful thing called life with. If I’m completely honest with myself my new friend, in many of the more difficult to find ways, seems to fit the bill especially in regards to my value of connection. But in other ways, ones that make me question if I’m honoring my principal of respect and being true to what I’ve worked to accomplish in order to become my authentic self and to remain there, I’m not quite sure.

I’ve come to the realization that though he has done a lot of the hard work of self-reflection, he still has some inner work to do so that he can show up in his life the way he really needs to, in order for him to be his authentic self all of the time. And I want this for him on a completely unselfish level. I want him to experience this transformation because he wants it all for himself regardless of whether or not there is some external reward for doing the difficult inner work. I want him to do the work for himself and not for what I might be able to add to his life. I want him to experience the joy of being allowed to be his true self and to be able to dwell there always.

Photo Credit:  Dennis Jarvis