Reflections

Countdown to January 2

• By fannieb
• December 6, 2015
• No Comments

This is the hardest time of the year. Even though it’s my third holiday season alone, without my parents, it’s still hard and the aloneness that I feel can’t be masked by the normalcy of days like they can be in ordinary times. People are different this time of year, or at least they act differently. They are cheerier and they are more curious about how I spent days which would otherwise be normal except we’ve labeled them as special-Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, and New Year’s Day. And I find myself torn between doing something different on these days and simply staying at home alone and enjoying the quiet. I’m torn because I don’t want to have to tell them I did nothing with no one and I’m torn because I don’t want to go “make” something happen, something I might not want to do, simply to be able to seem more exciting and less pitiful in their eyes.

And so now the holiday season is in full swing and I reflect. I reflect on holidays past when things were different, when I went home to see my parents and exchange gifts and enjoy holiday meals with them, when I wasn’t even aware that there were people out there who spent this season, these “special” days, alone (willingly or otherwise) and I try to stay true to my value-of doing things because I want to, not because I have to in order to rate in someone else’s book.

I don’t count down the days until Christmas or New Year’s Day, I count down the days until January 2 where things are back to normal and I can think to myself, with pride,that I made it through yet another holiday season. I can stash my loneliness away where it isn’t in the forefront of what I think and do; I can tuck it safely away so that it crops up only on occasion during the “normal” season. In these times it’s easier to work through my feelings of aloneness because the whole world (or what seems like it) is not so anxious about how their time spent stacks up against everyone else’s.

Photo Credit: Giang Hô Thi Hoàng